November 5, 2004

I’ve gone mad. Shaking, a body that trembles section to section. Paranoia, inability to look the world in the eye. A frowned face paralyzed to make a smile. What is wrong? The feebleness of an old man’s mental lives in a young man’s head. Sleep, the comforting ignorance of the world around you. To sleep for days and awake a different man. However, I fear sleep is a cocoon of woes that poisons the developing creature within.  I’m FUCKED! Boethius says the world turns, but for me it turns too slow. The inability to see problems that cannot be changed. I took that wheel and flattened the tires. The wheel flops and it will break. I yearn for an inflation that will never come. So it will break and I will be humbled down to the bastard I am. The world shows me no remorse for the egotistical brainchild I planted in my republic. Destroyed homes. Destroyed countries. Destroyed minds are worse. An indelible tarnish for at least 50 years. Within, the council talks it out agreeing on the principle notion that I’m a bastard. So we’re a bastard, but what the world sees is me. I’m insane. A juggling of powers inside my head. What am I? Better yet, who was I and how do I get back to it?I’m an idiot, a phony, a lush, the world sees Jason Yeo but they don’t know its me. He died long ago.

Nursing a hangover this morning and rummaging through memories I came across this. I can honestly say this was written on one of those rare “Rock Bottom” days. Reading this years later I’m quite proud of what I built from the ashes. The world spun 180º that day, it was terrifying to say the least, but those raw words and perseverance that followed satisfy me completely. Get the shit kicked out of you by something and move on…