Said with a smile. Although a cheery exterior for the most part, I’ve had quite the shitty summer season. Probably one of the worst to date.The summer started off on an amazing note. I had just come back from BC and was fueled by an incredible energy to kick the shit out of the advertising world, make a boat load of money, buy a condo in downtown Vancouver for the fall, obviously move to Vancouver, live among artists and once again converse with my chillest BC friends. Go mountain biking with Tyler and Jeremy. Hang with E by the lake and talk about life. Be anything but Brandon, and be me in a package not crumpled by a city with no grasp for who I am.

The notebook had the grand plans all etched out. The mind was working through the focus. The smile and zest for life was exploding. The grin of foretold bliss was intoxicating. I was smiling at the world around me, taking it all in, knowing the pathway to greatness was not far off. I knew I was doing something for the good. For the years of big dreams drawn in my mind.

I was chill and the world was spinning at a pace I could easily deal with. I remember coming out of Scarlatti’s coffee shop buzzing from an amazing creative and caffeinated high, glancing at the downtown, imagining the giants I’d be flanked by in Van City and almost crying with joy on how close I would be in only a few short months. Coastal air smells so good and sometimes after a rain here on the prairies I go outside looking for lingering wafts of sea breeze.

It was July 9th. It was amazement. The elemental fortitude of happiness had gravitated another concept of cherished delight. The joy I felt didn’t even seem real. How could I be so lucky?

It was August 7th. It was bad. I wanted out. I wanted away. The hope that was riding high started to teeter and eventually collapsed. The legs wanted to go someplace but the head wanted to go another way. At some point that day the head detached. It was a complete mental breakdown. How the fuck did this happen? A few weeks previously I had walked home alone from the bar. Pissed out of my head crying and looking for answers. I got home and looked in the mirror for a good hour. Who the fuck was he? On this day it was apparent something had to go. It was me.

I took refuge at the lake for a week in solitary confinement. I brought an internal world with me and shunned anything I knew before this mess. I wrote amazing amounts. I talked to myself. I remember walking on to the dock one night and screaming at the top of my lungs everything I hated about this world. Shortly after I jumped off the dock fully clothed thrashing wildly and laughing hysterically at a total loss of control. I drew pictures of things. I listened to old music. I napped in the hammock. I read copious amounts and in frequent fashion.

It was a social reboot. I really had to get back to where I was before this. Before the fissure cracked the surface eventually exploding. I had to find out how to refocus my energies. My mind was so clouded and angry. Angry at my environment, my people, and myself. Angry at what I did to myself. Angry knowing I was just in love with a bad idea. I had said it myself so many times, and it was heeded by my counterpart, “If given the keys to the castle, what would you do?”

The truth hurt, but what I had manifested was an array set to implode. It was self-destruction and I was blind to its effects. I dragged myself through shit and took certain people with me. Negative is all I can remember. I’d try and get the thought focused, but it was just apparent I was trying to forget. I wasn’t dealing with anything I was just shuffling the doubt.

“Happiness is just using you” the paradox of existence.

It is September 5th. It is back to basics. A mounted resurgence can be felt. It’s soon to be the fall and I can’t even remember where the summer went. I’m sad that I can’t reflect and proclaim I had a blast. Just the same, I’m glad I can’t really reflect much of the summer at all.

However, I can say I have learned volumes about myself. I’ve gone through a mountain of shit these past few years and I never cease to amaze myself. I find it funny how I can be running the daily 10K at kilometer nine starting to feel my legs cramping up. The stiffness is excruciating and my breathing gets shallow with the pain. Do I stop? Fuck NO!

“C’mon Jay, you’re tougher than that. Run to the end of this shit and show’em how! Do they not know who the fuck I am?”

As a comical side note, the voice of power and motivation in my head is a black army drill sergeant. I think I watched too much “My Teens Outta’ Control” Sally talk shows, but hey those mean looking guys scared the heck out of me. Come to think of it, I think that voice in my head may have been replaced by the Juggernaut…(bitch).

My initial point being, I could be in a world of hurt but I find the resilience to finish the run. Realizing I possessed that stamina when my self esteem shot to dangerous lows was rousing.

“You’re a tough little bastard when someone says you can’t do something ya know”

The “divorce” of a lifetime about two years ago gave me an interesting personal perspective. Reunification day was a celebration of the personal growth and discovery of internal sociological wealth. This November 5th will undoubtedly be another great reflection of the strides we’ve taken.

I am happy once again. I’m wearing a cheery grin. The world is very new and the opportunities in front of me at the moment are diamonds in the rough I’ll soon be refining.

Anyways, I just thought I would share. Many people have asked me as of late if I was okay. I lied to you, I’m sorry. However, as some form of retribution I thought I would just lay it all out here.

Your friend was always there smiling. He just means it now. Stay tuned…